lacrimae rerum

Fic can be found here on AO3.

Man, writing a fic about depression while I myself was depressed was... not ideal, and way too meta. I do not recommend it. :P 

This may not be the first Tolkien fic I've actually written - I've been poking on and off at a Belladonna-centric fic for a while now - but it's certainly the first one that I'm actually posting. :D

It started life as my NaNoWriMo 2016 project, and is now being heavily edited (with the help of the lovely Ulan, my beta-reader) and posted over at Archive of Our Own. I'm incredibly nervous about it but also excited; it's a very ambitious project and I've had to do a fair bit of Tolkien research for it.

Basically I've been on a Glorfindel/Erestor kick for a couple of years now. Everything about that pairing (and the different ways they're written) mashes my buttons. :D Unfortunately it's also a bit of a niche pairing within the Tolkien fandom, unlike behemoths such as Bilbo/Thorin (which I do ship) or Legolas/Aragorn (which I do not; I ship Aragorn/Arwen and Legolas/Gimli, kthx :P but I do hear it's a huge ship). After exhausting all the E/G fics at AO3, I desperately combed LiveJournal and the various forums and archives from the heyday of the LotR fandom after the movies came out, like Of Elves and Men and the Library of Moria and even that pit of despair, FFN. And in desperation for more Glorfindel/Erestor fic, I began writing my own and indulging all my headcanons.

Tolkien's work really is a bit of a sausagefest, and so I'm appeasing my inner feminist by including various original female characters to pad out the supporting cast, in addition to the usual Imladris cast like Elrond and his family, Lindir, and Melpomaen. I hope they're badass. Two of them are high-ranking officers in the Imladris military, because Tolkien once said that while there's no difference in ability between Elven males and females, it's a question of natural temperament that leads them to their roles within society for which they are better suited, and I say that's absolute bullshit. :P There's also a trans female minor character, because why not? I may have her and the butch lesbian Elf get together. A number of fics do manage queer/POC/female representation and even disabled representation, but trans characters are apparently really rare in Middle-Earth?

So here it is, though I'm not too pleased with the title (never my strong suit). Four chapters are already up, with a lot more to come.

Welcome to Imladris by SavioBriion. Canon events as seen from Imladris, from its founding until the end of the Third Age. Focuses on Erestor and Glorfindel, and a supporting cast.

:D

Today I broke up with my boyfriend.

I was fine for most of the day, only shedding a couple of tears once or twice, and then I got home and my housemates hugged me and brought out this huge stack of chocolate and then I started crying. Partly because I'd been doing my best to keep myself together all day while at uni and in front of other people and had to let go at some point, and partly because, relationship drama aside, I was extremely touched by their gestures.

I do think I learnt something, though. He was the first person I'd ever dated. Back before I came to Perth, whenever I tried to envison my ideal partner (assuming it wasn't one of my bad days where I felt ugly and horrible and didn't think anyone would ever want me), I felt it was important that they share at least some of my interests. Tolkien, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Gaiman, Pratchett, sci fi/fantasy in general, ancient and medieval history/archaeology, fanfic, roleplay, costuming etc. So few people in Singapore did. Obviously, I also figured that they'd have to actually like me, which I thought would be rare. And then I came to Perth and made many geeky friends and joined the SCA and realised that actually, there were a lot of nerds and geeks around me who shared my interests. And SCA was now one of them. And there was the uni sci fi/fantasy club and the Queer Department and the Perth Discworld fan club... being surrounded by geeks was awesome, and by that point I wasn't thinking too hard about romance or particularly looking, aside from vague halfhearted fantasies about Richard Armitage lookalikes. XD

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I said yes (albeit warily) when he first expressed interest was that I was surprised by someone showing genuine interest in me. And as time wore on, I was won over by the fact that he shared my interests and would tell me fun little things about medieval culture that I hadn't known, that made me see a Tolkien scene in a new light, and stuff like that. I did have genuine affection for him.

Anyway. The thing I learnt is that you can meet and date someone who's nearly perfect for you in a lot of ways, who has gorgeous eyes and shares your passions for a lot of things (Tolkien, HP, Discworld, ancient and medieval history and languages and archaeology, Egypt, SCA, swordfighting, steampunk LARP, costuming, random trivia) and introduces you to new things that you fall in love with (Stargate; I'd seen and loved the original movie, but he introduced me to the TV series, which I was aware of but had never watched until now) and shares your ideals and values (honour, chivalry, knowledge, feminism), who cares deeply for you with almost frightening intensity, who makes you feel ridiculously happy... and things can still not work out, even if you think that logically they ought to. At least we're still friends.

I had to end things, but I also kind of hate myself for it.

On a very vaguely related note, I'm getting professional help for stress and anxiety issues. \o/