Mother's Day is imminent
May. 9th, 2017 03:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sivaroobiniFor the past few weeks, my Facebook feed has been inundated with Mother's Day advertisements and offers. Looking at them is painful, and I scroll past as quickly as I can. Today I asked a friend if we could meet up on Thursday and he said no, he was working as much as possible this week since Mother's Day was coming and he wanted to have the day free to spend with his mother. I think I simply replied 'Ah' and closed the conversation; I should probably apologise to him and explain.
I've explained what's going on with my mother and my family in this post; basically I haven't seen my mother, who has Alzheimer's, since the beginning of January 2016 (when I only got to see her for like ten minutes in the doorway of a psych ward) and not for several months before that. We're still in the middle of very drawn-out legal proceedings to get her back from the scumbag, which he is of course doing his best to delay.
I miss her so much.
I'm living in Perth now, and when I set up my altar for the housewarming in February and texted my sister to ask about the proper rites and rituals, and referred to the instructions my grandmother had written out for me for the housewarming ceremony, I broke down and cried. My mother was very religious, and I really wanted to be able to turn to her. To have her instruct me and approve of my new oil lamp and bell and altar layout, to approve of what I'd done with furnishing and decorating the entire house and advise me on colours and what I should have in my kitchen, to perform prayers and sing hymns with me like we used to do every Friday night when I was a child.
(I mean, she wouldn't approve of me living with Mark when we're not married because she was immensely traditional, which we clashed over a lot when I was a teen, but that's a different can of worms which I don't think would have been insurmountable. I do think she'd have liked Mark, that aside. She liked him the one time she met him.)
And the thing is, even if we do get her back, my mum is gone. Oh, she's physically alive, but everything that made her her is likely gone by this point. The woman who raised me and took care of me and taught me and sacrificed for me, who loved me, is gone. She won't remember who I am, or my sister, or my father. She won't know why this strange woman is addressing her as Amma.
Sometimes I dream about home and my family, but in these dreams my family is whole, like some sort of alternate universe where my brother didn't turn out to be a sociopath. I dream that my mother is still with us, and she doesn't have Alzheimer's. I even have a brother, an actual brother, not a greedy vengeful piece of shit who tore my family apart. It often leaves me in tears when I wake up.
I love my life here, but I still wish that I could also see Mum when I Skype my family. I keep myself busy and occupied though, so most days I can live my life fairly contentedly provided I'm not reminded of all this.
So yeah, two days in the year are extra painful for me these days; Mother's Day, and her birthday (December 20th). Her birthday tends to sneak up on me though, which isn't so bad in some ways even if the day itself sucks. With Mother's Day, I'm getting these constant reminders that make me think of all the past Mother's Days I've spent with her and what I have to look forward to this Mother's Day. Bloody ads.
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Date: 10/5/17 02:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 10/5/17 05:51 pm (UTC)Congratulations on finally getting to live with Mark though. You two have had to wait so long for this and I'm sure your mother would have been happy for you to finally get to be with the man of your choice even if perhaps she would have pushed for a wedding to celebrate the union officially.
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Date: 19/5/17 10:40 am (UTC)Thank you! Yeah, it's been a long wait and I'm thankful for this chance. (We had some people come to our classes and tell us about all the perks we'd get if we accepted a teaching practicum placement in one of the rural schools, and I did seriously consider it, but ultimately decided against it; I've spent the better part of two years away from Mark and our cats, and didn't want to spend another six weeks out in a rural area when I could get a local placement instead.)
Yeah, my mum would definitely not have been pleased about the living-together bit (even back when I was living in one of the previous houses and happened to have male housemates, she was a bit taken aback and uncomfortable), but you're right - she would still have been immensely happy that I'd found someone, and she'd have adored him. She did like him the one time she met him, and I cherish that memory.
Mark and I have spoken about it, and at this point finances are the only thing getting in the way of a wedding.
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Date: 19/5/17 02:21 pm (UTC)Well, then I hope finances improve soon.
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Date: 20/5/17 07:18 pm (UTC)The old practice was that if you taught in a rural school for two years you got permanency, and other perks; every teacher was advised to start rural. But they've scrapped that now, so unless you intend to move to that area or have family there or something, or really love working in difficult schools, there's no real reason to teach there.
I've been assigned to a school that's about twenty minutes away from home. I'm crossing my fingers that I like the school and they like me, because if they like me I'd have a good chance of being hired there after graduating.
Thank you! <3 If everything goes well with the degree, the visa situation and teaching, it should improve soon.
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Date: 24/5/17 02:21 pm (UTC)That's interesting. Here rural secondary schools are thought to have better quality and fewer problems than urban ones.
The reason I thought it would have been interesting for you is that having grown up in a city state I expect rural live and a small school would have been new experiences, though. But yep, not worth another separation from Mark this soon after the last and the chance to get hired at a school close to where you are living is definitely a great bonus. *crosses finger for you*
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Date: 30/11/18 11:13 am (UTC)That said, someone put a brick through the windshield of a fellow practicum-teacher's car at this last prac I did, and I was witness to some fights, and this was very much an urban centre. XD
You're right - it would have been a very different and interesting experience for me, given my background. Had circumstances been different, I might have given it a go. Things being what they were, though, I'm very glad I stayed in Perth, especially since it was very difficult and I don't know if I could have handled it without Mark being so incredibly supportive and helpful.
I rather doubt I'll get hired by this school though. I started out having a great experience with my main mentor for HASS (humanities), and then started handling English lessons as well with another mentor, and she was absolutely awful and everything went to shit, and even though my HASS mentor had adored me at first the English teacher managed to turn her against me. They failed me at the end, but they'd both treated me so badly and with enough witnesses, and the final result was so at odds with my glowing mid-prac report from the HASS mentor, that I submitted an appeal and got passed. I would not be comfortable at this school if I was hired there, sadly, just because of those interpersonal issues.
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Date: 30/11/18 03:40 pm (UTC)The urban areas have kids under performance pressure and/or the kids of the immigrants, poor and unemployed that moved to the city in search of jobs. You get some really terrible family backgrounds there. (Though in the case of the immigrants the main problem is of course language skills.)
Under those circumstances it is probably for the best if that school doesn't hire you. You'll be better off starting fresh where no co-workers are set against you from the start. Hope you find somewhere nice once you finally get your visa and can work in Australia.