sivaroobini: (Narnia)

I should be happy.

My picture (I was in costume, too) and some quotes of stuff I said were in the paper today because local hardcore Harry Potter fans were interviewed for a feature on the final film. The final Harry Potter movie is coming out tomorrow, July 14th, on my birthday. My sister already booked our tickets. I have a costume ready. On Saturday I attended an awesome Harry Potter party at the local library, with most of us in costume, and had loads of fun. I keep meaning to put the photos up here. I am in my red and gold Egyptian galabeya and wadjet necklace, planning to meet a couple of friends for lunch tomorrow before meeting my sister for the movie.

Appeals to both the local universities I'd hoped to enter were rejected, but my dad is supportive of the plan to send me to Australia instead to study Ancient History. I can't stand most of my coworkers at my job, though I love the books and genuinely enjoy interacting with customers most of the time. My contract ends on July 31st and after that, maybe I'll give tuition, but I have a few free months.

In fact, the sheer anticipation of tomorrow should have me bouncing. Birthday + friends + Harry Potter movie. And I was supposed to do some cleaning tonight and write a fic I've had in my head for a while and stuff. But I'm tired and depressed and in no mood to do anything much. Even Adam Lambert couldn't cheer me up for long.

I keep comparing this birthday to last year's. Heck, this entire year with last year. Despite the exams and stress, 2010 was amazing. I had so many friends. I was writing and roleplaying a lot. I felt loved and happy.

But several months ago, in March or April if I recall correctly, drama happened. I left my RP comm, and was depressed about it. But I was still talking to the mod, a close friend, at the time. Some time later more drama happened. That night I was in shock and crying as I watched little AIM icons pop up telling me that she'd signed off - since she almost never signed off, I figured she must be blocking me. Given what she'd just said to me, that she wanted nothing more to do with me and that I had little understanding of friendship (I do not remember the actual wording and I do not want to look at that chatlog again)...

I admit I made mistakes. I regret that. Some of it was not my fault and I should have made my noninvolvement clearer - I do not control what my friends think or say - but some of my other actions... they were never meant to hurt but they did anyway. And knowing that I had hurt her to that extent pained me, too.

I miss her so much. Random little things end up reminding me of her every single damn day. Like when I was watching a Star Trek episode with my dad and the characters were using that three-tiered chessboard; I remembered that she owned one, that she said she'd teach me how to play on it, and wanted to curl up and cry. Or at work, when German customers react with delight to my simple "Danke schön!" or when I can make out bits of the German books they buy; I wish I could tell her that because she taught me and it is a credit to her. I wish I could talk to her about the last HP movie coming out, or my costume, or uni plans, or anything, because we used to talk about anything and everything.

The quill she sent me is still on my desk, the statue on my shelf, the runestones on another shelf, and I wish the mail hadn't eaten my birthday card from her last year. I didn't know if I was supposed to send them back or not, as I generally do not return gifts and I do not want my gifts to her to be returned. I wish I had the courage to actually try speaking to her when I see her on Skype or something, instead of sitting here missing her and everyone else from LTSH. I know leaving was for the best, but there were some of them I'd grown close to and whom I miss.

I haven't been able to write or RP much in ages, either, though admittedly I've also been exhausted from work. Hell, I'm exhausted right now, and can only hope a good night's sleep will make me feel better. Thought I should try explaning my LJ hiatus, anyway. There's this, and there's also the fact that it combines with my work surroundings to make me feel very, very lonely. I miss school, too. It's hard to believe it's already July because without the start of a school year for me, it still feels like some strange sort of Limbo instead of actual time passing. I miss my friends and classmates and teachers and lessons. And the library and even my uniform. Nanyang JC was amazing; I think I finally grew up there, discovered who I was and decided I wanted to be that person. My friends certainly helped. I didn't think I'd miss school so much, but I do.

And since I think I'm beginning to make even less sense that usual, and because I'm extremely tired, I think I'd better sleep.

sivaroobini: (Crowley inner turmoil)
It is official. May 2011 sucks for me.

I got a rejection letter from NUS (the National University of Singapore) several days ago. I'm planning to appeal, and I haven't heard from NTU yet, but it isn't exactly a fun experience.

Some of you know about the RP drama from March/April. For ages after that, I had trouble writing or roleplaying. I was finally beginning to write again when I got my job, and now I'm continually just too tired to write much. I was supposed to submit a short story for a sampler for Singaporean Speculative Fiction, and I'd actually had an odd little idea for a folklorish horror story featuring the Rafflesia. The little bit of research I did showed me that I'd need to do a lot more, and then there was work and exhaustion and waving at deadlines as they zoomed past. I'm still in no mood to write anything, whether for that or for RP or for the gazillion incomplete stories on my hard drive; I just don't have the energy. I haven't even felt up to RPing much lately, and considering how addicted I used to be...

As for work itself, I like being surrounded by books, but that's it. I'm not cut out to be a cashier. Being responsible for so much money is hugely stressful, and I don't like having to be so focused on money anyway. Today I had to return the 'strays' - books/magazines/stationery that customers bring to the counter but then decide they don't want - and as I walked around the store with an armload of heavy books, checking the tiny letters on the barcode to ensure I was returning them to the correct department's information counter, I felt amazingly happy. I've been a student librarian since the beginning of 2006; this sort of thing comes naturally to me, makes me happy. I wanted to be a retail assistant and return and maintain books and direct people to the right shelf to locate their book, but I was told they were more in need of cashiers. Sigh.

And we - my family and I - were supposed to go on holiday to Chiang Mai in Thailand from the 12th to 17th of June. We were going to stay in this gorgeous little resort/spa and have fullbody massages and relax and stuff - we went to Bintan last June and stayed in this resort/spa there and it was amazing. Everything was booked and paid for. And then for some reason nobody mentioned it and I myself forgot. I finally remembered and tried asking my manager for leave. She said no.

Apparently five people had already asked for leave ages ago, and been granted it, and they can't afford any more. As a part-timer I'm not even entitled to unpaid leave anyway, and since June is the school holidays, it'll be a busy period and they need people. So my request was rejected.

And now my sister is furious at me for it. I'll try to talk to my manager again tomorrow, even though I'm, honestly, terrified of her.

Plus a friend of mine has been through a bunch of crap recently and I just found out about one more problem. >< And then there's other stuff I'd rather not talk about.

If I get a rejection letter from NTU as well before the month is out... screw you too, life.
sivaroobini: (Crowley inner turmoil)

So, uh, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone.

Randomly: I seem to have become nocturnal. I stay up until it's almost sunrise, which is about 6.30 to 7AM, then I go to bed and sleep til 2pm. No, my bed isn't a coffin, why do you ask?

I spent the last month in Egypt and Dubai and had an absolutely AMAZING time. I have loved Egypt since I was about 4 or 5 and I actually got to see and touch the pyramids of Giza and Saqqara and enter the temples of Abu Simbel, Kom Ombo, Karnak and Luxor and the tombs in the Valley of the Kings, and sail on the Nile. *__*

I promise I'll put up my travel journal and photos... soon. Right now, though, I am worrying about the future.

I did my A Levels earlier this year and am waiting for my results, which will be out in March. I need these results to get into university. And I really, really want to do Egyptology. Obviously I can't do this in Singapore; the damn National University of Singapore (NUS) doesn't even offer Ancient History, for Someone's sake. Archaeological discoveries are covered up again here. Anyway, ever since I was a child I wanted to study archaeology in England. For quite a while, I thought I'd be doing Egyptology at the University of Liverpool. I liked the modules offered, they have the largest Egyptology department in the UK, a cool in-house museum, etcetera etcetera. It was also 10 500 pounds per year, though there was a Regional Award for international students - as long as you met the criteria to get in, you got 1000 pounds.

So yes, long story short, it would be too expensive. So Dad said no. He wants me to be stuck in a boring Arts degree here - English Lit or Journalism or something.

I really, really want to do this, so I talked with my sister, and for a while our plan was for me to go ahead and apply anyway and then apply for a student loan. Except... well, your job opportunities are restricted, and for one to actually be an Egyptologist you'd need a PhD. A BA (Hons) isn't going to cut it. So we thought about my doing my undergrad here in Singapore, getting my BA, and then going overseas to get a Master's in Egyptology. Liverpool requires that you have obtained a degree in something relevant. So we (my brother, sister and I) were discussing this and alternative routes last night until it was this morning.

  Talking things out with [ profile] sunflower_mynah  resulted in my pondering a double major in ELit and History, which I wasn't that happy about because I bloody hated the Modern History that I had had to do in junior college, and while I love books, doing ELit in uni wasn't something that particularly called to me. But it might at least qualify as 'relevant' because of the history and lit tagline, even though modern history has as much relevance to Ancient Egypt as Fareed Zakaria (no offence meant to him, I like his Newsweek articles) has to whoever wrote Beowulf. Broadly speaking they're both the printed word, but content-wise...

  Also, I was pretty damn touched when my brother said he'd actually be willing to pay for my living expenses in Liverpool, so we'd just have to worry about tuition fees and books and things.

  So at about 5AM my brother went to look more things up on the computer in his room and my sister and I went to bed. Some time later my brother came to get me (I couldn't sleep anyway) and I went to his room and we discussed my doing European Studies here at NUS first, getting a BA (Hons) in that, and using that to go for my MA in Egyptology later. It would also broaden my options because the course would include learning French and/or German, which means that for postgraduate studies I needn't be restricted to the UK. (German universities would cost me less than a tenth of UK fees, but I would need to know German) Plus a knowledge of either French or German or both is needed for Egyptology, as half of the journals are in one of those two languages. And proficiency in those languages also broadens career options, apparently.

  I can't say that I think I'll enjoy it, because while I like languages, there'll be other modules involving politics and financial things and so on, but the fact is I would actually rather do this than History. I love ancient history, not modern history - that just makes me want to smack a lot of people. And it's going to delay my dream by a few years. Still, if it all works out, it'll be worth it.

  So... The Plan has undergone quite a few changes, but for now it seems to be: do a BA in European Studies here for now, and then try for my MA in Egyptology. Mmf. It's going to take a while, but Egypt, here I come.

Oh, and one more thing: Screw you, Singapore 'education' system. There are more important things than money and Maths and the Sciences.
sivaroobini: (Crowley inner turmoil)

Yesterday I had my Southeast Asian History exam. Today was my Tamil Language and Literature Paper 1 (so just Language) exam.

Both were horrible.

On the way home today, I remembered how everyone would tell me in JC that the A Levels were nowhere near as bad as they were made out to be. That most people experienced a jump by one or two grades, like Cs and Ds becoming As and Bs.

In this post, I ranted about the sheer amount of work and stress in JC, and about the liars who all told me while I was in secondary school that A Levels were easy and JC was fun and I could relax after my O Levels. Clearly I haven't learnt my lesson about believing people who try to make me feel better about major national exams.

So far I have had two papers. Both were disaestrous. Forget applying to do Egyptology in the UK, I might as well just prepare to retake the exams and go through A Levels again. Either that, or decide that the entire past 2 years have been a waste of my time and effort and my parents' money and go to Singapore Polytechnic and beg them to let me take a diploma in Creative Writing.

Two of my H2s are pretty much screwed up right now. I studied, I memorised things, I put myself under so much stress I had a minor breakdown every few days. And yet we got papers like this. Don't you dare tell me I didn't study enough and it's my fault, because yesterday the entire History cohort was in agreement that the paper had been horrible, and including me there are only three students taking Tamil Lang and Lit and we all agreed the paper was a lot more difficult than we expected.

On one hand, if the papers are tough and everyone does badly, they moderate the marks and do a bell-curve thing. On the other, it could just be my school. I know my Tamil teacher is absolutely awful at his job. We tried to study on our own but it didn't turn out to be much good, today. But my Southeast Asian History teacher always seemed intelligent and competent to us. I thought I was prepared for yesterday's paper and it turned out a lot more difficult than I thought, though at least I found it doable. Today's paper... *sigh*

So why did I even bother?

I don't have much hope for the Tamil Lit paper now, or for the International History paper. I had been fairly confident about GP and English Lit, but at this rate I'm steeling myself for equally screwed up papers. Chemistry is already a lost cause. I am sitting here crying because I just don't see the point anymore. Even if by some unlikely miracle the rest of the papers are easy, I've already messed up 2 of my 3 important H2 subjects.

The only reason I'm putting any effort into the rest of the papers is because I owe it to my family to at least try my best. Even though clearly it isn't good enough.


sivaroobini: (Default)

June 2017

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