I should be happy.
My picture (I was in costume, too) and some quotes of stuff I said were in the paper today because local hardcore Harry Potter fans were interviewed for a feature on the final film. The final Harry Potter movie is coming out tomorrow, July 14th, on my birthday. My sister already booked our tickets. I have a costume ready. On Saturday I attended an awesome Harry Potter party at the local library, with most of us in costume, and had loads of fun. I keep meaning to put the photos up here. I am in my red and gold Egyptian galabeya and wadjet necklace, planning to meet a couple of friends for lunch tomorrow before meeting my sister for the movie.
Appeals to both the local universities I'd hoped to enter were rejected, but my dad is supportive of the plan to send me to Australia instead to study Ancient History. I can't stand most of my coworkers at my job, though I love the books and genuinely enjoy interacting with customers most of the time. My contract ends on July 31st and after that, maybe I'll give tuition, but I have a few free months.
In fact, the sheer anticipation of tomorrow should have me bouncing. Birthday + friends + Harry Potter movie. And I was supposed to do some cleaning tonight and write a fic I've had in my head for a while and stuff. But I'm tired and depressed and in no mood to do anything much. Even Adam Lambert couldn't cheer me up for long.
I keep comparing this birthday to last year's. Heck, this entire year with last year. Despite the exams and stress, 2010 was amazing. I had so many friends. I was writing and roleplaying a lot. I felt loved and happy.
But several months ago, in March or April if I recall correctly, drama happened. I left my RP comm, and was depressed about it. But I was still talking to the mod, a close friend, at the time. Some time later more drama happened. That night I was in shock and crying as I watched little AIM icons pop up telling me that she'd signed off - since she almost never signed off, I figured she must be blocking me. Given what she'd just said to me, that she wanted nothing more to do with me and that I had little understanding of friendship (I do not remember the actual wording and I do not want to look at that chatlog again)...
I admit I made mistakes. I regret that. Some of it was not my fault and I should have made my noninvolvement clearer - I do not control what my friends think or say - but some of my other actions... they were never meant to hurt but they did anyway. And knowing that I had hurt her to that extent pained me, too.
I miss her so much. Random little things end up reminding me of her every single damn day. Like when I was watching a Star Trek episode with my dad and the characters were using that three-tiered chessboard; I remembered that she owned one, that she said she'd teach me how to play on it, and wanted to curl up and cry. Or at work, when German customers react with delight to my simple "Danke schön!" or when I can make out bits of the German books they buy; I wish I could tell her that because she taught me and it is a credit to her. I wish I could talk to her about the last HP movie coming out, or my costume, or uni plans, or anything, because we used to talk about anything and everything.
The quill she sent me is still on my desk, the statue on my shelf, the runestones on another shelf, and I wish the mail hadn't eaten my birthday card from her last year. I didn't know if I was supposed to send them back or not, as I generally do not return gifts and I do not want my gifts to her to be returned. I wish I had the courage to actually try speaking to her when I see her on Skype or something, instead of sitting here missing her and everyone else from LTSH. I know leaving was for the best, but there were some of them I'd grown close to and whom I miss.
I haven't been able to write or RP much in ages, either, though admittedly I've also been exhausted from work. Hell, I'm exhausted right now, and can only hope a good night's sleep will make me feel better. Thought I should try explaning my LJ hiatus, anyway. There's this, and there's also the fact that it combines with my work surroundings to make me feel very, very lonely. I miss school, too. It's hard to believe it's already July because without the start of a school year for me, it still feels like some strange sort of Limbo instead of actual time passing. I miss my friends and classmates and teachers and lessons. And the library and even my uniform. Nanyang JC was amazing; I think I finally grew up there, discovered who I was and decided I wanted to be that person. My friends certainly helped. I didn't think I'd miss school so much, but I do.
And since I think I'm beginning to make even less sense that usual, and because I'm extremely tired, I think I'd better sleep.