sivaroobini: (that damn enormous fiery eye again)

On one hand, Maedhros really hated Morgoth for everything he'd done to him.

Sadly the other hand was still in Angband.



... Yeah. Sorry not sorry. XD I think it's hilarious. Can't take credit, it's originally from Tumblr.

The first week of my practicum is nearly over. I have a lot to say about it, but that'll have to wait; I'm a bit snowed under with work at the moment, and tonight we leave for Pencampwr XIII!

sivaroobini: (tea and books)

This afternoon I was working on my essay on Autism Spectrum Disorder while the cats snoozed next to me, and in the living room Mark/[personal profile] bpambberger and Avalon were having their weekly SCA singing practice.

I'd already spoken with Mark about joining them for the Mushroom Song, so he called me before they started; I set my laptop aside, made tea and joined them, and we had a great time practising it; we plan to sing it at Pencampwr, at either the Victory Feast or the Bardic Circle. We also discussed other songs (we've settled on also performing The Hunt Is On, and we had a laugh at The Wager). Anyway, after a fun practice I went back to the theatre to get back to work, and found this:

Bast on laptop 2 2

After shooing her away I checked the damage, and found five pages of 'uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu'. Dammit Bast!

 photo Bast essay 1_zpsiapj1mbv.jpg


 photo Bast essay 2_zpsopo1kco9.jpg

Could have been worse, I suppose. She could have had her paw on the Backspace button, or turned the entire laptop off. :P I love Bast dearly, but dear gods she gets into a lot of mischief. XD <3

sivaroobini: (Dream)

For the past few weeks, my Facebook feed has been inundated with Mother's Day advertisements and offers. Looking at them is painful, and I scroll past as quickly as I can. Today I asked a friend if we could meet up on Thursday and he said no, he was working as much as possible this week since Mother's Day was coming and he wanted to have the day free to spend with his mother. I think I simply replied 'Ah' and closed the conversation; I should probably apologise to him and explain.

I've explained what's going on with my mother and my family in this post; basically I haven't seen my mother, who has Alzheimer's, since the beginning of January 2016 (when I only got to see her for like ten minutes in the doorway of a psych ward) and not for several months before that. We're still in the middle of very drawn-out legal proceedings to get her back from the scumbag, which he is of course doing his best to delay.

I miss her so much.

I'm living in Perth now, and when I set up my altar for the housewarming in February and texted my sister to ask about the proper rites and rituals, and referred to the instructions my grandmother had written out for me for the housewarming ceremony, I broke down and cried. My mother was very religious, and I really wanted to be able to turn to her. To have her instruct me and approve of my new oil lamp and bell and altar layout, to approve of what I'd done with furnishing and decorating the entire house and advise me on colours and what I should have in my kitchen, to perform prayers and sing hymns with me like we used to do every Friday night when I was a child.

(I mean, she wouldn't approve of me living with Mark when we're not married because she was immensely traditional, which we clashed over a lot when I was a teen, but that's a different can of worms which I don't think would have been insurmountable. I do think she'd have liked Mark, that aside. She liked him the one time she met him.)

And the thing is, even if we do get her back, my mum is gone. Oh, she's physically alive, but everything that made her her is likely gone by this point. The woman who raised me and took care of me and taught me and sacrificed for me, who loved me, is gone. She won't remember who I am, or my sister, or my father. She won't know why this strange woman is addressing her as Amma.

Sometimes I dream about home and my family, but in these dreams my family is whole, like some sort of alternate universe where my brother didn't turn out to be a sociopath. I dream that my mother is still with us, and she doesn't have Alzheimer's. I even have a brother, an actual brother, not a greedy vengeful piece of shit who tore my family apart. It often leaves me in tears when I wake up.

I love my life here, but I still wish that I could also see Mum when I Skype my family. I keep myself busy and occupied though, so most days I can live my life fairly contentedly provided I'm not reminded of all this.

So yeah, two days in the year are extra painful for me these days; Mother's Day, and her birthday (December 20th). Her birthday tends to sneak up on me though, which isn't so bad in some ways even if the day itself sucks. With Mother's Day, I'm getting these constant reminders that make me think of all the past Mother's Days I've spent with her and what I have to look forward to this Mother's Day. Bloody ads.


sivaroobini: (Cassandra's Prophecy)



View post on imgur.com


This photo of Mark and me was taken at the Barony of Aneala's 30th anniversary celebratory feast, and I love it so much. <3 In the original, you can see a truck and a house in the background, but a friend of mine got someone in a Photoshop group on Facebook to edit them out. :D

sivaroobini: (Death)
This is what's been going on in/ruining my life for the past few years. Warning: This post is really long. And this is the summarised version. I might explain the legal issues in another post, but writing this has been draining enough for one night.

Painful family issues )

There have been so many painful splits in my family over this and I have lost so many relatives I loved, knowing they chose him over us, and my family has shrunk so much. I haven't seen my mother in over a year now and I don't know if I will ever see her again, though I can only pray that by some miracle we'll win the court case and I will see her again, that Mark and I can kneel before her when we get married and my father will get the strength to go on; I don't know if he can, without her. That scum can keep all her money and assets, for all we care; we just want her back. And even then we'll basically get someone who used to be my mother but is now an unrecognisable being in my mother's body requiring round-the-clock care, but somewhere in there is my mother, and we can't stop fighting for her. 

sivaroobini: (Hobbit-approved!)
This may not be the first Tolkien fic I've actually written - I've been poking on and off at a Belladonna-centric fic for a while now - but it's certainly the first one that I'm actually posting. :D

It started life as my NaNoWriMo 2016 project, and is now being heavily edited (with the help of the lovely Ulan, my beta-reader) and posted over at Archive of Our Own. I'm incredibly nervous about it but also excited; it's a very ambitious project and I've had to do a fair bit of Tolkien research for it.

Basically I've been on a Glorfindel/Erestor kick for a couple of years now. Everything about that pairing (and the different ways they're written) mashes my buttons. :D Unfortunately it's also a bit of a niche pairing within the Tolkien fandom, unlike behemoths such as Bilbo/Thorin (which I do ship) or Legolas/Aragorn (which I do not; I ship Aragorn/Arwen and Legolas/Gimli, kthx :P but I do hear it's a huge ship). After exhausting all the E/G fics at AO3, I desperately combed LiveJournal and the various forums and archives from the heyday of the LotR fandom after the movies came out, like Of Elves and Men and the Library of Moria and even that pit of despair, FFN. And in desperation for more Glorfindel/Erestor fic, I began writing my own and indulging all my headcanons.

Tolkien's work really is a bit of a sausagefest, and so I'm appeasing my inner feminist by including various original female characters to pad out the supporting cast, in addition to the usual Imladris cast like Elrond and his family, Lindir, and Melpomaen. I hope they're badass. Two of them are high-ranking officers in the Imladris military, because Tolkien once said that while there's no difference in ability between Elven males and females, it's a question of natural temperament that leads them to their roles within society for which they are better suited, and I say that's absolute bullshit. :P There's also a trans female minor character, because why not? I may have her and the butch lesbian Elf get together. A number of fics do manage queer/POC/female representation and even disabled representation, but trans characters are apparently really rare in Middle-Earth?

So here it is, though I'm not too pleased with the title (never my strong suit). Four chapters are already up, with a lot more to come.

Welcome to Imladris by SavioBriion. Canon events as seen from Imladris, from its founding until the end of the Third Age. Focuses on Erestor and Glorfindel, and a supporting cast.

:D




Yule

Dec. 26th, 2016 02:21 am
sivaroobini: (that damn enormous fiery eye again)

I post this on Facebook around Christmastime every year.

' "...You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable."
REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little -"
YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
"So we can believe the big ones?"
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
"They're not the same at all!"
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY, AND YET- Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME... SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point-"
MY POINT EXACTLY.

... YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE. HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME? '

- Terry Pratchett, Hogfather.

Merry Christmas, everyone! It's already 2.30am on the 26th here. I had a pretty good Christmas, and I hope everyone else had a fantastic day. <3 
sivaroobini: (THE GREAT CELESTIAL CHEERLEADER)

Wow, so much has changed since my last update. I've lost a lot, and gained a better understanding of some things (and more appreciation for what I do still have) and my life has definitely not gone the way I thought it would. Anyway, all of that is a story for another day. I really do need to lay out what's been happening, to explain my absence to those of you whom I've neglected while RL got tumultuous. <3

But for now: Christmas mail exchange!

Let me know if you would like a Christmas card from me, and if you would like to send me a Christmas card, please say so in a comment and I'll PM you my address. Several of you have sent me Christmas cards before, so if you still have my old Singapore address, it's the same as it was before. <3

Happy Holidays!



By the way: I've just (finally) seen the Netflix show Stranger Things! And it is absolutely amazing and I love it and cannot wait for the next season!



sivaroobini: (Dream)
While looking through my folders, I found this. I have a very vague memory of staying up late one night two years ago, half-asleep but wanting to write something about Susan, but I don't actually remember writing this. Still, a quick Google search didn't reveal this story as already existing, so I'm going to assume I did write it and forgot about it. XD It's about Susan's reactions to finding the chess piece by the well at the beginning of Prince Caspian.

Chess Piece (because I fail at titles)

Disclaimer: Narnia belongs to CS Lewis, and all dialogue between the Pevensies is lifted from Prince Caspian.


Notes:
There's a minor bit of internalised sexism at one point, when Susan thinks that as a queen she was selfish for not giving birth to an heir. That does not reflect my views in any way.
 

 


~*~ 

AO3 link here.

 



sivaroobini: (Dream)



Truth! Justice! Freedom! Reasonably priced love! And a hardboiled egg.

This is the first Glorious Twenty-Fifth after Sir Terry Pratchett's passing, and I think it's a much more solemn occasion for Discworld fans around the globe than in former years. I mean, it's always been half-solemn for fans as far as I know, with the remembrance of those who died in the revolution (and it's Memorial Day this year), but it's also a happy celebration combined with Towel Day and Geek Pride Day and stuff. But this year, I think many of us are wearing the lilac in solidarity with one another in memory of Sir Terry Pratchett as well as our beloved book characters. At least, that's how I felt with some large Discworld groups on Facebook; we shared our loss and grief, and we all wore the lilac not only to mark the 25th as the anniversary of the revolution in the book, but as a mark of remembrance for Sir Terry.

I certainly felt a lot sadder. My copy of Good Omens is signed by Neil Gaiman, and one of my life goals was to get it signed by Sir Terry Pratchett as well. I remember staring at that signed page, realising that this would never happen, and shedding tears some time after I first heard the news. I want to read more about the Watch, and about Granny and Nanny, but there will be no more stories (unless Rhianna is taking over?). And then I went on Tumblr; damn those onion-cutting ninjas.

I couldn't find any lilac here in Perth, but the rosemary in our garden has little purple flowers, so my partner and I made do with those and wore sprigs of those to uni/work today. Rosemary for remembrance.





This was breakfast today.



How do they rise up, rise up, rise up?

G N U


sivaroobini: (Aziraphale Crowley snow)
Quite a few of you are on my Christmas card list. I bought most of my gifts and cards fairly early while in Perth, and then I ended up packing in a hurry because uni was so stressful, and yesterday I thought I'd better write all my cards and pack the gifts and mail them out so they'd arrive in time.

I searched all my luggage frantically, but there was no sign of the cards, though I had made sure to pack the gifts. I'd left them in Perth. :|

I got Mark to search the black hole that is my desk until he found the cards, and he is mailing them to me, but they'll only arrive next Friday. I'll try to write them all and pack the gifts and send them off as soon as possible, but they might still arrive after Christmas for some of you. So this is just an announcement that my Christmas cards might be late this year. Sorry, guys! :(

Bad timing

Nov. 21st, 2014 10:57 pm
sivaroobini: (corridor monster)
 

 
So, I've been seeing a counsellor at UWA. UWA's Student Services offers free counselling, which is great, but since I go home for the holidays, I'm not going to have access to that when I'll likely need it most. But I had been doing great for the past few weeks and Sue, my counsellor, has been teaching me techniques to avoid or deal with panic attacks and anxiety, so we were pretty hopeful about my ability to cope over the next few months. Yesterday was my last session for the year.

  And earlier tonight I got an e-mail that nearly sent me into a stress- and anxiety-induced panic attack, which I've been doing my best to stave off. That's mostly related to uni and grades and assignments, so right now I'm trying not to think about it.

 Plus, several of my friends are dealing with depression or just generally very shitty situations, so I usually spend most of the day talking to them or just being a comforting, sympathetic listening ear. Though I'm planning to send [personal profile] eidolon_bird  a small package in the mail soon that should hopefully brighten up her day, so keep an eye on your mailbox, Bird! <3

And then I was on Facebook, happily looking forward to responding to comments and then reading fanfic. I have quite a few of my teachers on FB, and one of my primary school teachers had posted an old photo she'd found of one of her classes on an outing. I didn't think it was my class at first, since at a first, casual glance I hadn't seen myself in it and didn't recognise anyone else, so I Liked it and moved on. Anyway, it just popped up on my Newsfeed again and I saw the names of several of my old classmates in the comments. It was my Primary Three class! 3AA, 2001. It had been taken on our outing to Jurong Bird Park, and everyone was excitedly tagging themselves and each other and catching up in the comments. (Also, the first comment, presumably after I'd Liked it, was addressed to me, from my teacher, asking if that had been my class.)

So I looked closely at the photo and did recognise many of my classmates, but there was still no sign of me, even though I remembered being present at the outing. It was a very casual, informal group photo, and there is the barest sign of a girl right at the back and in a corner, behind someone else, and I suspect that may have been me. (Assuming I wasn't crying in the toilets or just behind a tree somewhere at being either left out or bullied, that is. <__< )

I started to type a comment, "Haha, yes, Mrs Chua, I was in this class. :) Unfortunately I think that's me at the corner in the back, hidden behind someone else," and then I hesitated. Because many of the earlier comments were from my classmates, the same people who ostracised and bullied and mocked me and started making school hell for me when I was nine. There was always the chance that they had matured and wouldn't respond to my comment with derision, but back in 2009, one of my classmates from Primary Five (2003, different class, with different classmates) had posted a class photo and tagged all of us, and eventually I had joined in the comment thread, and then many of the guys started the old mocking and deriding. I'd completely forgotten about that, but this had reminded me. I was afraid to reply to my teacher (whom I was fond of) for fear of my old classmates' reaction and the real chance that most of them hadn't grown up.

I mean, it's not the gripping fear from back when I was actually being bullied or anything, just an awareness that, hey, there is a very strong chance that this will happen, and then it will make you feel shitty. Don't do it. Don't expose yourself to them.

And on top of the vague fear and sadness, there's also frustration at myself because I had thought that I'd gotten over all the bullying and was coping a lot better with not letting fear of people's reactions control me. Apparently not. Or maybe it's just a bad night. In any case, it's also logical self-preservation, I hope?

Anyway. Cider, Tim Tams, and fanfiction! I can deal with problems tomorrow.


Caveat

Nov. 9th, 2014 12:43 pm
sivaroobini: (Adam Lambert - yesno)
One of my SCA friends added me on LJ, and from his LJ I've been adding a couple of other SCA friends as well.

I would like to state that I've had my LJ since I was 13 and there is a lot of stuff from my horrible teenage years - one day I will get around to changing that horrible username - so please don't laugh too much. :P 
sivaroobini: (Hobbit-approved!)

I hadn't actually been to the beach since arriving in Perth at the beginning of 2012, even though it's famed for its beaches. Dad, Mum and I did stop at one and we took photos and went to the ice-cream shops on the boardwalk, but we never actually went down to the sandy beach proper, so that doesn't count. So my housemates/good friends, Mark and Hilary, and I had decided that at some point this week we'd all go to the beach and have dinner and watch the sunset or something

On Saturday, we went to the seaside/hippie area of Fremantle (more friends were supposed to join us for lunch as a sort of farewell do for Hilary, who is going to London for two years in a few days, but they all said at the last minute - ie when we were already at Freo - that they couldn't make it, and they all came to our house in the evening instead, so it was just the three of us in the afternoon) and had some excellent food, and we were lying on the grass and basking in the warm sun and napping and then we remembered that the beach was only a short walk away, and decided to visit it briefly before going Geocaching.
 
It was beautiful. I regretted not visiting it earlier, and I also regretted not wearing beach-appropriate clothing instead of jeans and socks and shoes. XD I would have liked to dig my toes into the sand, it was very soft and fine and clean. The wind was also very strong, completely ruining my formerly tame hair, but it was so worth it.

Soon we began to walk towards the closest Geocaching site in search of the hidden 'treasure' there, but I was hesitant to leave the beach so soon and was lagging behind, staring at the sea. Hilary must have turned around to see why I was lagging and she went, "WAIT, STOP, KEEP LOOKING THERE, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE." And she took this lovely picture, which I'm absurdly fond of.



When I was standing there, the first two lines of the song Legolas sings in The Return of the King, upon first beholding the sea (or did he just hear seagulls?) came to mind.

To the Sea, to the Sea! The white gulls are crying,
The wind is blowing, and the white foam is flying.
West, west away, the round sun is falling.
Grey ship, grey ship, do you hear them calling,
The voices of my people that have gone before me?
I will leave, I will leave the woods that bore me;
For our days are ending and our years failing.
I will pass the wide waters lonely sailing.
Long are the waves on the Last Shore falling,
Sweet are the voices in the Lost Isle calling,
In Eressëa, in Elvenhome that no man can discover,
Where the leaves fall not: land of my people for ever
!


I was trying to find the rest of the song since I could only really remember the first two lines, and came across this absolutely lovely version. She's also done a lot of the other songs that Tolkien wrote; my favourite is the song of Durin.


sivaroobini: (that damn enormous fiery eye again)

I was playing around with this Mary-Sue generator and the results were hilarious. Basically, you input things like the names of your Mary-Sue, her love interest, another male, colours, numbers, various place names and races, weapons, female body parts, types of clothing etc, and then it generates this astounding piece of literature. XD

AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE


Sparklypoo sighed heavily as she threw her velvet cloak to the floor. Feisty anger flashed in her fuchsia eyes... )

*****

THE END



sivaroobini: (Dream)

Today I broke up with my boyfriend.

I was fine for most of the day, only shedding a couple of tears once or twice, and then I got home and my housemates hugged me and brought out this huge stack of chocolate and then I started crying. Partly because I'd been doing my best to keep myself together all day while at uni and in front of other people and had to let go at some point, and partly because, relationship drama aside, I was extremely touched by their gestures.

I do think I learnt something, though. He was the first person I'd ever dated. Back before I came to Perth, whenever I tried to envison my ideal partner (assuming it wasn't one of my bad days where I felt ugly and horrible and didn't think anyone would ever want me), I felt it was important that they share at least some of my interests. Tolkien, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Gaiman, Pratchett, sci fi/fantasy in general, ancient and medieval history/archaeology, fanfic, roleplay, costuming etc. So few people in Singapore did. Obviously, I also figured that they'd have to actually like me, which I thought would be rare. And then I came to Perth and made many geeky friends and joined the SCA and realised that actually, there were a lot of nerds and geeks around me who shared my interests. And SCA was now one of them. And there was the uni sci fi/fantasy club and the Queer Department and the Perth Discworld fan club... being surrounded by geeks was awesome, and by that point I wasn't thinking too hard about romance or particularly looking, aside from vague halfhearted fantasies about Richard Armitage lookalikes. XD

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I said yes (albeit warily) when he first expressed interest was that I was surprised by someone showing genuine interest in me. And as time wore on, I was won over by the fact that he shared my interests and would tell me fun little things about medieval culture that I hadn't known, that made me see a Tolkien scene in a new light, and stuff like that. I did have genuine affection for him.

Anyway. The thing I learnt is that you can meet and date someone who's nearly perfect for you in a lot of ways, who has gorgeous eyes and shares your passions for a lot of things (Tolkien, HP, Discworld, ancient and medieval history and languages and archaeology, Egypt, SCA, swordfighting, steampunk LARP, costuming, random trivia) and introduces you to new things that you fall in love with (Stargate; I'd seen and loved the original movie, but he introduced me to the TV series, which I was aware of but had never watched until now) and shares your ideals and values (honour, chivalry, knowledge, feminism), who cares deeply for you with almost frightening intensity, who makes you feel ridiculously happy... and things can still not work out, even if you think that logically they ought to. At least we're still friends.

I had to end things, but I also kind of hate myself for it.

On a very vaguely related note, I'm getting professional help for stress and anxiety issues. \o/


sivaroobini: (that damn enormous fiery eye again)

Since sometime last year, I've been very into the Hobbit fandom. I mean, I've always loved Tolkien, and when I first read LotR in early 2005 (I read The Hobbit back in 2003) I read a lot of fanfics, but I hadn't read any Tolkien fics in years. I watched the Hobbit movies and loved them but didn't really get into the fandom. That changed last year when someone sent me a link to a Thorin/Bilbo fanfic and I fell in love with the pairing. Since then I've been avidly reading lots of fanfic on AO3 and the Kink Meme and following some fans on Tumblr and generally going crazy (and denying the deaths in the canon ending - LALALA EVERYONE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER).



In general, I love it. The quality of fanfic in this fandom, or at least for this pairing, tends to be pretty high overall, and there have been some fabulous AUs and continuations out there. There are also masterpieces like the Coats & Customs series, which basically fixes everything that ever vaguely bugged me about Tolkien and epic fantasy in general - not enough female characters, no queer characters, no characters of colour, unsatisfactory resolution for the orcs, the Elves fading - and this series, and these two fics broke my damn heart. There are also a lot of fantastic and very creative AUs with impressive worldbuilding. Basically I could rec fics until the cows come home, or you could just check out my Bookmarks page if you're interested.

However, there are a couple of things I've noticed in fics that I just have to rant about. (These are mostly due to the fact that I am a history nerd and overthink details like trade and farming resources and the history of fashion in Middle-Earth and I feel the need to ramble about them, and not actually criticisms.)

Why hobbits do not eat chocolate and wear one-piece dresses... )

That said, despite my rants, I generally read and enjoy the fic anyway, and most Hobbit fanfic is fantastic. <3 And the fandom is lovely. I love how everyone is in collective denial of the ending and writes fics about the Durins surviving the Battle of Five Armies and persuading Bilbo to stay in Erebor, and after the last movie comes out this year and reduces me to a sobbing mess in the cinema, I will definitely be in need of fix-it fic. XD




sivaroobini: (that damn enormous fiery eye again)



Constable Dorfl, Sergeant Cheery Littlebottom (with Wee Mad Arthur on her shoulder, mostly hidden by her beard), Commander Sam Vimes (with Errol the swamp dragon), Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson, Lance-Constable Sally von Humpeding, Captain Delphine Angua von Überwald and Constable Reginald Shoe.



T'dr'duzk b'hazg t't!

sivaroobini: (Marauders)

I didn't have the time or energy to post this on the day itself, but March 27th was James Potter's birthday! Happy belated birthday, Prongs!



Also, I got a lovely Time-Turner necklace for $10 at the Perth Medieval Fayre last Saturday. :D




sivaroobini: (that damn enormous fiery eye again)

It is the anniversary of the Ring's destruction in Mount Doom and the downfall of Sauron, and the Gondorian New Year! :D







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